Ten Reasons Why my Toaster would be a better President than Donald Trump

(better at presidenting than Donald Trump)

The Republicans are desperately seeking ways to stave off a Biden victory in November. Biden is not only leading Trump in every national poll, he's leading in every swing state that Trump won in 2016- he's even beating him in Florida. They have jumped on the Tara Reade sexual assault allegations, as if the disgusting Trump revelations of the Access Hollywood tape ("you can grab them by the pussy, when you're a celebrity, they let you do it") never happened, or two dozen women didn't accuse Trump of various forms of sexual assault, up to and including rape, including two who alleged that Trump did exactly what he bragged he could do to them without consent and get away with it- because he was a celebrity. And Trump's defense of "she wouldn't be my first choice" was probably not the "first choice" of any criminal defense lawyer defending an accused rapist- that the victim wasn't attractive enough to rape, "but boy, that hottie over there, I'd definitely rape her!"

So then they have an alternative, which is to portray Biden as losing his intellectual grasp (which is, sadly, true), but again, this appears to be tone deaf coming from a president who gave a speech on July 4th about the Continental Army attacking the British airports and winning the air war and who most recently has suggested that people should ingest or inject cleaning products to kill the coronavirus (which would, of course, literally be a case of "letting the cure being worse than the disease" because injecting or ingesting bleach would kill the patient).

My response to the allegation that people should vote for Trump over Biden because Joe's mental acuity is slipping is simple: my toaster- even unplugged- would do a better job of presidenting than Donald Trump. Here's ten reasons why:

(1) My toaster would not have disbanded the Global Pandemic Response Team in the National Security Council in 2018, as Trump did.

(2) My toaster would not have fired (reassigned) the head of the vaccine response team, Dr. Bright, during the pandemic.

(3) My toaster would not have suggested deep cuts to the budgets of the National Institutes of Health (NIH) and Centers for Disease Control (CDC) every year of its presidency.

(4) My toaster would not have cut all money flowing to the World Health Organization (WHO) during the pandemic. The only global organization currently organizing a world wide response to the pandemic.

(5) My toaster would not have frozen all military aid to the Ukraine while it was being attacked by the Russian military until the Ukrainian president promised a live press briefing on CNN with Fareed Zakariah in which the Ukrainian president would announce an investigation of alleged (but a false allegation) corruption by the toaster's chief political rival in the upcoming U.S. presidential election.

(6) My toaster would not have fired an Army Lt. Colonel from the National Security Council (NSC) because the Lt. Colonel testified truthfully under oath before a House committee. And my toaster would not have fired the twin brother of the same Lt. Colonel from the NSC because.... he was a twin?

(7) My toaster would not have fired the Inspector General of the CIA for following the law and referring a whistleblower complaint to the Congressional committee responsible for receiving that whistleblower complaint.

(8) My toaster would not have colluded with Russian operatives, had a campaign manager with ties to Russian and Ukrainian oligarchs, who committed felonies and went to prison, and who gave internal campaign polling data to Russian operatives to use to spread fake news stories about its opponent in a presidential election. Nor does my toaster have any progeny who, when being presented with an opportunity by the Russians to provide dirt on an opponent for the upcoming presidential election, would have responded in an e-mail "I love it! How about later this Summer?"

(9) My toaster would not have had affairs with a porn star and a Playboy Playmate just weeks after its infant toaster was born

and finally, (10) My toaster would not have suggested on national television that people inject or ingest cleaning products into their bodies to kill the coronavirus, prompting numerous calls to poison control centers and causing the manufacturers of cleaning products like Lysol to put out national advisories to consumers that "under no circumstances should our products by taken internally by humans."