“JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT....”

Thirty years ago SNL Weekend Update accurately forecast the modern cable insult fest. Yesterday's over the top satire, unfortunately, became today's reality...

In the early days of Saturday Night Live, Weekend Update anchors Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtain satirized a 60 Minutes staple which ran at the end of each show featuring Shana Alexander and James Kilpatrick in a “point- counter-point” precursor to today’s shouting heads on cable news shows. One commentator would espouse a position on a controversial issue of the day (the title of this column came from Aykroyd’s famous insulting response to Curtain during a mock debate over the Michelle Triola “palimony” lawsuit against her former live in boyfriend, Lee Marvin), and the other would respond. The Liberal versus Conservative dialogue was set up by 60 Minutes producer Don Hewitt, and it ran for about 8 years in the 1970’s, featuring two print columnists, Shana Alexander- the “liberal”- and James Kilpatrick- the “conservative” who squared off against each other at the end of each show.

Providing more heat than light, the segment was extremely popular, and Albany Journal publisher Kevin Hogencamp has graciously invited Marvin Mixon and me to participate in a 21st century version of the point-counterpoint. This is my second adventure into this arena, the first occurring during the late 1990’s when Fox 31 invited Dylan Glenn, a perennial Republican political candidate, and your not so humble scribe (moi) to square off on a two minute taped segment once a week. Regardless of what you may assume by reading our disagreements on issues in print in upcoming weeks (some of the suggested topics include the death penalty, what to do about Iraq, and immigration), I have great affection for Marvin, a lawyer, Vietnam War veteran, and husband of the marvelous lady who helped co-found a terrific preschool attended by my son in the era before public pre-kindergarten programs. Careful readers will note that my disagreements with Marvin aren’t ad hominem (that’s fancy Latin meaning “no personal attacks”), unlike what we have come to expect from modern pundits on print, cable, and internet blogs. We lawyers are taught at an early stage that one may disagree with another’s position without being disagreeable.

So don’t expect to see the casual personal insults so common today on Faux News and the Olbermann attack hour which were anticipated 30 years ago in this skit:

“Jane Curtin: Dan, times change and so does the nature of relationships. People are reluctant to get married these days and looking at divorce statistics, who can blame them. But the lack of a piece of paper does not neccessarily mean a lack of a total commitment. A woman is this modern-day relationship may well give up all her personal pursuits, as Michelle Marvin claims she did, to give her full support to her man's career. And Michelle Marvin is just asking that the courts recognize that reality. Dan, there's an old saying: "Behind every successful man there's a woman." A loving, giving, caring woman. But you wouldn't know about that, Dan, because there's no old saying about what's behind a miserable failure. [ gives a look of arrogance ]

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant slut! Bagged-out, dried-up, slunken meat like you and Michelle Triola know the rules. If you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let's all shed a tear for poor Michelle Triola. There was only testimony that she had sexual intercourse over forty times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin. But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuity means nothing to you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of a cheap ham radio. But hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn, and Michelle Triola, like a screeching, squealing, rapacious, swamp sow is after actor Lee Marvin's last three million dollars. I guess what you and Michelle are saying is that when you're on your backs, the meter is running. Well, please spare us, gals, and tell us the rates at the top. Then we can choose which two bit tarts and bargain basement sluts to shack up with.

Jane Curtin: That's the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.”


(P.S. to my buddy Ted E., whom I saw at the wedding last Sunday and who admitted that he sometimes reads this blog: please send me your e-mail address to jfinkelstein@earthlink.net and I'll send you some wedding pics!)